Gym Classes

Ever wonder what you look like to others in the gym? I don't. Okay, I do. I wonder all the time. The gym is like a field lab in which a number of different species exist — sometimes keeping a safe distance from one another, sometimes undertaking a cautious approach, sometimes even intermingling — and I'd like to know which species I belong to, mostly so that I don't accidentally intrude on the territory of one whose biceps are much larger than mine.

There are some groups I know I don’t belong to because of the physical attributes or specific behaviours associated with them, the way a lemur knows instinctively that it isn’t a gorilla. Do you know which species you belong to? Here are the seven most common, to help you out in case the question should appear on your next gym application.

Toppum Heavyus

Members of this species have peculiarly disproportionate physiques, with legs like swizzle sticks and chests like crammed suitcases. The thickness of their torsos often force them to walk with their arms held wide, as though they are preparing to draw six-shooters at dawn. Though frequently observed performing bench presses, flyes and hammer curls, no member of this species has ever been spotted at a machine designed for muscles located below the waistline. This species can be easily identified by the straps constantly dangling from their wrists.

Intensae Scarius

Highly intimidating to other species, members of this group breathe in short, hard bursts, wear bandannas and tank tops, and often can be heard to grunt loudly through an incline dumbbell set and then, after angrily dropping the dumbbells to the floor, to shout, “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” It is common for members of this species to superset until exhaustion and then leap from their benches and stalk around the gym with expressions combining severe agony and utter triumph. They exist in tight-knit packs and, though fascinating to other species, are rarely engaged by them.

Cardius Onlyus

Observed almost exclusively in the aerobics room, this species’ members participate in every Tone-and-Sculpt, Low-Impact Groove and Hip-Hop Cardio class they can but regard any weight machine as though a medieval torture instrument. Individuals in this group can wake from a deep sleep and tell you the exact time and date of the next spinning class but think the military press is a group of journalists who cover the army. Identifying characteristics include spandex sports bras and ponytail scrunchies.

Sartorius Paramounta

Easy to spot because of their meticulous appearance, pristine sneakers and constant self-inspection, members of this species coast through a workout with the main goal of not disturbing their mascara. Highly sociable, they often have a specific feature that serves as a calling card to members of other species, such as a wrist bangle, diamond pendant, distinct cell phone ring or T-shirt with the words, “I’m a Virgin (This is an Old T-Shirt).”

Melodium Oblivius

All individuals within this species share the unique characteristic of being born with musical appendages in place of ears. During exercise and all other activities they will mouth the words to the tunes being pumped naturally into the sides of their heads, sometimes singing out loud and adding air-drum movements. Occasionally they will look sideways toward members of other species while nodding vigorously to the music, typically causing those others to immediately abandon the treadmills they have waited forty minutes to use.

Competitorus Severia

Biologically driven by the urge for rivalry, Competitorus Severia will always remain on the NordicTrac one minute longer than members of other species. If working in with a member of another species twice the size of itself, Competitora Severia will refuse to move the pin even if keeping it in place means risking three slipped discs, two pinched vertebrae and a complete inability to move the stack.

Dedicatum Lackus

Members of this species will venture sporadically into the gym environment before quickly retreating to their primary habitat. After producing mild levels of perspiration, they will drink a glass of water with lemon, then return to their home surroundings and tell their partners they did “maybe 20 minutes on that machine that looks like the StairMaster but isn’t.”

Then, of course, there is the species whose members seem to spend most of their time in the gym observing others, almost as though making mental notes. They’re the ones you ought to worry about.

Beyond Fitness 

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I.J. Schecter
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© I.J. Schecter 2003