The Groom's Real Calendar

18 Months Before

Wake up one morning with the stark realization that you want to propose. Look in the mirror to make sure it’s you.

Read up on diamonds, so that you can display some savvy when talking to a jeweler, instead of saying, “Sure I know about diamonds. I memorized all eight Cs.”

14 Months Before

Purchase the engagement ring. Then take a sedative. Go home immediately and place the ring wherever you keep your collection of old comic books or Star Wars figurines so you know it will be guarded with your life.

1 Year Before

Pop the question. Make sure to do something special, because for the rest of your life people are going to ask, “How did he propose?” and you’d like your wife to be able to say something more than, “Um, we were coming out of Burger King one night, and he just kind of asked me.”

The Next Day

Call to confirm you proposed. Give yourself a pat on the back for being so mature.

10-12 Months Before

Discuss the wedding budget with your fiancée and both sets of parents. If you think this conversation is awkward, wait until her father asks how long you’ve been sleeping together.

8-9 Months Before

Spend some time at local florists and learn to distinguish gladiolas from hydrangeas, orchids from forget-me-nots, snapdragons from tiger lilies. If you can answer “I wonder what flowers would go with the head table?” with “Well, let’s see — roses are always nice, but peonies will be in season,” you’ll earn more points than most men earn in a year.

Begin planning the honeymoon. Buy something to surprise her with on your arrival, like a beach skirt, sun hat or professional massage. Or some oils for a more private massage.

6 Months Before

Start telling your fiancée how much you’re dying to see her wedding dress. Do this every two weeks until the wedding.

Visit the gift registry. Identify places in the store where you can hide out.

Complete your honeymoon plans. Upgrade the plane tickets and/or accommodations without telling your fiancée.

4 Months Before

Compile the guest list. Yes, you have to include the Wilsons just because your parents were invited to their son’s wedding. Don’t worry, they’re not going to come.

3 Months Before

Pick out and order your wedding bands. Marvel at how little the price tag hurts compared to the engagement ring.

Consult with the band. Remind them that there was a reason the Macarena lasted as long as Magic Johnson’s talk show.

Get measured for your tux. Do 200 pushups. Get measured again. That’s more like it.

1 Month Before

Wake up on a Saturday morning, call three friends out of the blue, and go play a round of golf. Just because.

Buy gifts for your groomsmen. Get creative. If you can’t think of anything unusual, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar will do just fine.

Start working on your toast. Acceptable topics: your bride’s eyes, feet, hair, sense of humor, sense of style and the way she can light up the universe with just a grin. Taboo topics: the way she snores like a locomotive.

2 Weeks Before

Finalize arrangements for moving into your new home. This is a good time to force yourself to get rid of things you no longer need, like that Wham t-shirt, your high school football cleats, and the Christie Brinkley poster you’ve had since 1983.

Attend your bachelor party. Make sure the event is held at least a week before the wedding, not the night before. Grooms with hangovers and shaved eyebrows are considerably less photogenic.

The Week Before

Look at yourself in the mirror and say, “You’re right.” Do this a few times. So you can remember what it sounds like.

The Night Before

Get a good night’s sleep. That means baseball highlights off at eleven and not staying up to see how similar Wild Orchid II is to Wild Orchid.

The Big Day

Make sure your skin is nice and steamy before taking razor blade in hand. Don’t put undue pressure on yourself — just go one stroke at a time, stay focused, and don’t try anything new.

At the reception, slow things down by pausing every half-hour to look around the room and take it all in. Remember to tell your bride how incredible she looks. If you think you can tell her too often, just try.

1 Month After

Watch your wedding video. Give yourself a prize if you can name more than half of the guests.

Review your wedding proofs and select the album shots. Choose based on how good she looks, not on how good you look.

Come up with an answer for “So when do you want to start trying?”

Queensland Brides 

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I.J. Schecter
43 Park Hill Road
Toronto, ON M6C 3N2
(416) 803-9847

© I.J. Schecter 2003