Next on the Tee, George W. Bush

It's time we admitted the truth: today's golfers have become so good that they're beginning to lose our attention. Sure, it's fun to witness Tiger make a golf ball do things that would have gotten him burned at the stake a few centuries ago, or to see Annika Sorenstam flex muscles that cause her playing partners to blanch with fear — but, like boyfriends or girlfriends whose moves were thrilling at first, these players no longer surprise us. We recognize that they're wonderful at what they do, but we also know what to expect. For the good of the game, something must be done.

Two potential solutions come to mind. The first is to ban from the tour every player who has finished in the top three in any tournament over the past five years. Removing enough of these elite players would ensure a more erratic, and therefore more engaging, level of play.

This option, of course, is unfair to those who have practised for many years for the opportunity to one day don an unattractive green jacket. (Nonetheless, it is fun to imagine what some of our more celebrated players might be doing if not for golfing. Ernie Els might open a stress-reduction clinic. Sergio Garcia would head up a psychology lab specialising in obsessive-compulsive disorders, with a sub-specialisation in the rare condition IRE, or Incessant Regripping Syndrome. And Tiger Woods would become a world-famous illusionist headlining his own show in Las Vegas. If he can perform the feats he does on a golf course, imagine what he could do with state-of-the-art pyrotechnics and topless dancers.)

The second, more appropriate, solution demands that we confess another truth. There's a part of each of us that prefers watching the celebrity tournaments, the ones in which professionals from other sports nub their drives thirty feet, movie actors try to overcome their lack of ability with charming wit and perfect skin, and American presidents come close to decapitating innocent spectators. These events are truly enthralling because they involve more than simple club selection or waiting to see who hits water going for the island green on the second-to-last hole. When club meets ball in these events, anything can happen — and that makes for great golf.

Given this reality, I suggest a new rule for the PGA tour. Every tournament should include at least one non-tour foursome for the purpose of balancing out the professionals whose brilliance has come to bore us. In case this new rule is adopted (and I don't see any reason it wouldn't be, unless you count the fact that the PGA has never acknowledged one of my suggestions before), I offer some possible foursomes who would be sure to make the average tournament more enjoyable:

Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan

Never mind all those debates about who has the most charisma, the most powerful screen presence, or the best hairline. How do you determine the best Bond? I'll tell you how. Who can get up and down from the sand with the round hanging in the balance? (Incidentally, why haven't any Bond films started with 007 needing to sink an eight-foot putt to prevent some evil megalomaniac from world domination? That's more than suspense; it's outright terror.)

Tony Blair, George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, Jacques Chirac

World leaders never get anything done by holding summits or conferences. Instead they sit around for days and then announce that they haven't a clue how to solve the world's problems (though they at least agree on this fact). Apart from sitting in a classroom, or one's spouse requesting a household chore, nothing clears the mind like a round of golf. Get these men out on the links for an afternoon and watch the resolutions fall like dominos. It's such an exquisite day, and I'm only three over for the round. Let's disarm after all.

Maya Angelou, Nelson Mandela, Tenzin Gyatso (the Dalai Lama), my Uncle Dave

Each of these individuals is known for his or her inner tranquility, outward calm, or overall equanimity. (You'll have to take my word for it regarding Uncle Dave. You could light this guy's shoes on fire and he'd say, "Would someone mind dousing my loafers? My feet are getting quite toasty.") Let's give these unflappable souls a downhill lie to a protected green and see how long they remain at peace with the universe. It's not that I have a twisted desire to transform those naturally composed into loons, but you have to admit it would be fun to see the Dalai Lama holler a string of curses and send a driver twirling down the fairway.

Naomi Campbell, Sir Alex Ferguson, Sean Penn, Mike Tyson

In contrast to the previous group, the reputations of this foursome are based not on composure but on habitual crankiness. I'd like to see these powder kegs play a round mostly to see who would snap first. I'd also be curious to find out which of them could toss a club the farthest. (Side bet for this group: who has the most clubs still intact in his or her bag when they return to the clubhouse?)

Elvis Costello, Celine Dion, Elton John, Madonna

When was the last time you heard a decent tune about the grand old game? Get these songsters out playing eighteen and they might be inspired to put aside the tired themes we always hear (I lost my girl and want her back, never give up on your dreams, down with the establishment) to instead dedicate time to a much more important subject: golf. It's a topic so rich in material that the songs would virtually write themselves. Look at me with pity, brother/Seems the bunker's snared another/Flight path looks just like the Seine/Put me down for six again.

Brad Pitt, Jude Law, Elizabeth Hurley, Rachel Stevens

On those rare days when the pros aren't playing up to their usual level, we fans need something more exciting than the leader laying up at eighteen to win with a bogey to keep us absorbed. This foursome could spray balls all over the course for seventy-two holes and we'd barely notice.

Shaquille O'Neal, David Beckham, Brian O'Driscoll, Ichiro Suzuki

Each of these athletes dominates his sport in a different manner — O'Neal by exploiting agility that no 300-pound seven-footer should possess, Beckham by eliciting unnatural acts from a football, O'Driscoll by finding inventive ways to slice through a scrum of rugby behemoths, and Ichiro by wielding a baseball bat like a magic wand. But golf is unique in its capacity to render natural physical gifts extraneous. Put a putter in Shaq's hands and see if he isn't begging to return to the hardwood faster than you can say "undulating green."

Anna Kournikova, Dolph Lundgren, Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards, Samantha Fox

Since these individuals were obviously misguided in their original pursuits (and if you don't believe that, rent Red Scorpion), it might make sense for them to find out whether golf is their actual calling. Besides, imagine how entertained we'd be while they try.

John Updike, Clive Barker, J.K. Rowling, Helen Fielding

Players deft of tongue, whether or not deft of club, would vastly improve the game, particularly after really awful shots. I'd continue watching even after a match was effectively over if I knew there was the possibility of someone declaring, "I struck that ball with all the precise fury of a panther on the hunt. My club came slashing down silently through the summer air, the powder-blue sky its backdrop, and met the ball square at its face, promising good fortune. My front arm was as stiff as a private at attention, my hip turn as smooth as a wave curling into shore. But the ball, my friend, had other ideas; the ball knew its destiny." At least it's better than, "Bollox — another one in the drink!"

Siegfried & Roy, David Copperfield, David Blaine

The best golfers are, in essence, magicians, since they have learned to persuade little white balls to do things alien to the rest of us. The players in this foursome are known for making objects vanish before our eyes, performing card tricks that boggle the mind, and convincing exotic tigers to play nice. But can they hit a lob wedge?

John Cleese, Hugh Grant, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy

The best way to keep sane during any golf round is by laughing — particularly at your playing partners. When my friend Colin shanks his 3-wood for the fourth time in a round and all I can come up with is, "Maybe it's time to retire that club, mate," I wish I could inhabit the brain of one of these men even for a moment. That way, if I weren't impressing anyone with my stroke, I could at least break them up with zingers all day. After missing yet another fairway, I'd finally be able to offer something more clever than, "Well, it's been a slice of heaven. I'm off to slit my wrists." Just picturing Hugh Grant missing a three-footer and saying "Ah, excellent" makes me chuckle.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude van Damme, Jackie Chan

These chaps get paid millions to pretend they can maneuver stealth bombers, outrun machine-gun spray, paralyse evil geniuses with a subtle pinch to the neck, and diffuse intricate bombs in less time than it takes to eat a handful of popcorn. It's not that I begrudge their success; it's just that I think a dogleg or two helps gain a little perspective.

Golf Monthly 

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I.J. Schecter
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